Culture Snob: Caroline Kennedy vs. Chelsea Clinton
Last week, prominent online jackass Matt Drudge floated the idea that Chelsea Clinton could be a worthy fill-in for her mom’s Senate seat, setting up a potential duel between her and Caroline Kennedy.
And people listen to Drudge, even though his track record of scoops over the last few election cycles include such “world exclusives” as excerpts from a new Pat Buchanan book (man the servers!), a transcript of Barack Obama’s Berlin speech (obtained a whole minute before everyone else), and a totally false story in 2004 about John Kerry having an affair with an intern (unbelievable for a variety of reasons).
In other words, nothing that has affected the outcome of anything. But hot damn, he knows how to set people chattering, and we are happy to oblige. Let’s see which of the two is most worthy of carrying on their respective American political dynasty:
Namesake Song
Kennedy: Sweet Caroline, Neil Diamond
Clinton: Chelsea Morning, Joni Mitchell
Winner: Clinton
Chelsea Morning is lyrically Strawberry Alarm Clock with arrangements by John Denver, combining for a perfectly airy piece of hippie granola schlock. But it was inspired by NYC’s Chelsea neighborhood, which endears the young lady to the city—an important voting bloc to court when looking to conquer before you engage the vast tumbleweed preserve beyond the Westchester County limits.
As for “Sweet Caroline,” first you have to get past the whole Eighth Inning thing. Maybe a good way is to be reminded that it’s iamond’s love song to a 10-year-old girl, possibly told from the perspective of a pony.
Professional Background
Kennedy: Children’s book author, Political vetter
Clinton: Hedge fund manager
Winner: Kennedy
Caroline writes nice books for kids and delivered us Joe Biden—a politician appealing for his addition of bubbly consonance to the ticket and necessary in his appeal to the Nightly News sect.
For Clinton, well, it’s not a great time to be in hedge funds. And there was so much potential for you, Chelsea. You studied chemistry (and later history) at Stanford and then studied international relations at Oxford. But in the end, you went straight for the six figures on Wall Street, making you part of the reason there is still both cancer and war.
Community Service
Clinton: Board member, School of American Ballet
Kennedy: Board member, NAACP Legal Defense and Educational Fund Inc., the Commission on Presidential Debates, the John F. Kennedy Library Foundation, and the American Ballet Theater, etc.
Winner: Clinton
Kennedy has numbers, but Clinton’s is a singular pursuit, meaning more dedication. And historians will likely mark Chelsea’s choice of ballet—a well-known favorite of Jackie O’s—as the first lob in the Clinton v. Kennedy war.
Which no doubt led to Caroline and Ted’s support of Obama in the Democratic Primary. Which paved the way for this. Sources say there are early discussions about a WWE-style Royal Rumble. DEVELOPING… Look, I can be like Matt Drudge, too!
Overall Winner: Chelsea Clinton
It’s a tight matchup, but if I am going to vote for an inexperienced politician, I want them young and uninterested in the position. But more important is keeping the Clintons on the pop culture radar, inspiring newly-recycled late night talk show jokes, increasing tabloid sales (CHELS’ BELLS: Clinton’s Wedding Planner Tells All!), and boosting the paycheck of that electric mass of teeth-and-haircut, Billy Bush.
Really, we need the Clintons. They could be the only way to save media. (Or be the final nail in the coffin. I can’t tell which is worse.)
—DAN MORRELL
